Night of the Living Douches

NO, the title isn’t a movie, but the description of this last week of my life. Before we get to the NOTLD, I’d like to explain my absence here.  I know it isn’t necesary, but it would make me feel better.

Anyone who is familiar with Florida is usually familiar with the term Snowbirds.  These are the people who “fly” south to FL for the winter months instead of staying in their homestates where it usually snows a lot.  (usually NY, MI, OH, PA, etc) Hence the term ‘snowbirds’ –  we’re  clever people. 

According to the FU paper(Florida University, not ‘eff  you),  Palm Beach County (where I live) has the second highest percentage of snowbird increases during the winter months.  (winter months are typically considered anytime between January and early April because people want to be in their home states for the holidays)  What does this mean for me, you ask? 

This means increased business for the PT company I work for because old people need therapy.  This means me being so busy and calling the number to verify medicare benefits so many times in a day that I LITERALLY have nightmares about being on hold.  This means I have to deal with people who CANNOT HEAR ME WHEN I AM TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THEIR BENEFITS AND SET UP THEIR APPOINTMENTS, THUS FORCING ME TO YELL OUT THEIR PERSONAL INFORMATION TO THE ENTIRE CLINIC.  This means that there is increased traffic on my way home from work because I leave right at dusk (5:30) and all the snowbirds are on their way home, because, as one of our lovely snowbird patients put it “I can’t see to drive at night and my husband said if I have another accident he’s taking away my car so I need to leave here by 5:30”.   This means that I am extra tired and cranky when I get home.  This means I have less time to blog because I have to do it from work right now since we no longer have a home computer. 

Have I done enough complaining now??  Good.  I feel better.  Don’t you?

It hasn’t been all bad.  Will and I were able to see the Thrashers play this past weekend (Thrashers got spanked by the Panthers 8-4, btw. Sorry, Babe.)  and we followed up that game by visiting Nicole at work at the Yard House where we made her bring us food and drinks.  Wait, how is that different than any other time?  Oh, yeah.  We paid her this time.  Anyhow, as we were getting ready to leave, the restaurant patio was swarmed with the typical South Florida personality – The DoucheBag (must be said with a Wisconsin* accent to get the full effect).  Maybe you’re familiar:

 

 

 

 

 

Come on, people, I could do this all day.  But I won’t.  I can’t believe there is so much documented evidence.  Thanks to Google Images for all the photos, btw.

So, you can see from the above examples what FL is filled with, and as we were sitting, enjoying the last of our yummy dinner, drinks, and trying really hard to forget the hockey “game” we had just witnessed, the patio becomes flooded with DB’s (douchebags) and all of a sudden we are treated to nice** girls dressed perfectly appropriate*** with DB guys who keep lifting up their shirts (like the guy in the last photo) so that his buddy could punch him in the abs and he could LOUDLY exclaim how much it didn’t hurt.  Then Trent, aka “The Eraser”, (as he will be known on this blog from here on out) went to the little boys MEN’S ROOM and encountered the ‘grown up’ version of the DB (which looks exactly like the young, 20-something DB but with wrinkles, better jewelry, better clothes, grey tipped hair instead of blonde, and that layer of old man pudge that shows up over what used to be muscle) who proceeded to be rude to him, block the door with their enormous bodies and threaten him with bodily harm for trying to exit the bathroom.  The Eraser came back to the table and was shortly followed out by the ODB’s (Old douchebag, not ‘Ol Dirty Bastard) who proceeded to smoke and give him the proverbial evil eye**** until their buzzer went off and they were escorted to their table for what I like to think was a lot of eye fucking and unspoken promises of tender caresses while pretending to check out chicks to cover for their uneasy feelings towards one another.  We asked The Eraser if he was afraid and he said “Yes, only because they didn’t wash their hands”! 

Following that close DB encounter, the empty patio space was filled with an entire group (flock, if you will) of DB’s and their women***** who continued to chain smoke, drink heavily, and talk louder than necessary.  This is when we decided to leave.  Fun times, people. 

Let’s recap what I’ve learned in my last year living in FL:

  1. Snowbirds suck
  2. Douchebags suck
  3. The window for going out in public without being outnumbered by one or the other is very small.  Too early in the day and the Snowbirds are out; go too late after dusk and the DBs are out.  Normal people are only out between the hours of 5:30-7:30-ish and even that crowd is filled with the slightly desperate, overly eager, semi-drunk singles trying to mingle******.
  4. Realized that Florida isn’t for us long term.  We don’t want to raise children here because of how self-absorbed, self-entitled, and selfish everyone seems to be.  We’re definitely going to keep our eyes open for other possibilities.  Maybe in the NW somewhere…who knows.

* Hi, April!

**Code word for sluts

*** code phrase for dressed like hookers.  Low dollar hookers at that.

**** which I imagine is really hard to do with all of the botox they seem to have injected in their faces.  They had perma-scowl and lip pucker combo.  Must have been on special.

***** Can you still call someone a woman if they are more plastic than human?? Just wondering.

****** code word for drink too much and then settle on someone for the night and “bump uglies”, then regret said “uglies” in the morning.

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1 Comment

  1. Steph said,

    January 20, 2009 at 2:23 am

    Wow that totally sucks. I hate when other people ruin a night out. Whether it be DBs, crying babies, loud cheerleaders, etc etc. Can’t people just mind their own business?!


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